Have you ever found yourself being doubtful of something you always had confidence in? I suppose the answer could be "yes" if that something gave you reason to doubt.
A car that never had issues is suddenly in need of repairs.
Your well behaved child is now acting out and you aren't sure why.
Your trust worthy partner was caught being dishonest.
Surely these are reasons to be doubtful. But what if you were doubtful for no reason? What if you had a strange feeling that something wasn't right? You couldn't put your finger on it, but it was nagging at you constantly.
That's the place where I was mentally for several weeks. It didn't happen overnight. But rather, it was a slow progression. It wasn't that I didn't believe in God's existence, but I felt as though I needed more proof. So I spent my free time looking up information. I thought to myself, "This is it! Once I get the information I need, I will feel better." I found myself searching more and more for the proof of God's existence. And I was starting to feel better. At least that's what you would assume, right?
Quite the opposite.
The more I researched, the emptier I felt. Even though I was obtaining important facts, it still wasn't bringing me out of my mental state. My faith was shaken and I was beginning to feel very lost without direction. It became so overwhelming to the point where I couldn't sleep. One night I broke down, and in desperation, I prayed to God. I asked him why I was feeling this way? What did I do to cause these doubts to cloud my mind? Did I do something wrong? And if so, how could I make it better so these feelings would go away? As I sat in the dark during the late hours of the night, my mind replayed life moments.
And then it hit me.
I can gather up every teeny, tiny proof that God is alive and active in the world. Is all of that information valid? Most certainly. But does it bring meaning to the existence of God? I would say no. Why is that? Well, I see it in the same way I see my earthly father. Why does he mean so much to me? Is it the fact that he exists? Of course not! There is so much more to him. I love my earthly father because of all the wonderful things he has done for me; the lessons he taught me, his protection, his forgiveness and tender heart, and so much more. If you think about it, that's the way we should view God. People spend so much time worrying about proving his existence, but I think we're missing the point. Not to say that we should be ignorant and fail to know and understand the bible. It's important to always be prepared to teach others the truth (2 Timothy 4:2). But the true meaning behind the existence of God is the relationship I have with him. Recognizing how he has been there for me throughout my life. That's what I was so ignorantly forgetting. That was the problem.
The problem was with me.
That strange, distant feeling I had was created by my own lack of ambition. I was spending less and less time with God. I wasn't reading my bible or spending time in prayer. These are tools of communication with God! Prayer is speaking to him, and the bible is him speaking to us. As humans, we need that type of communication to feel connected with others. When we don't prioritize that quality time, the relationship starts to weaken. Every relationship requires cultivation, putting in the time and effort to help it grow.
At the end of the day, what's important is how God has worked personally in my life.
The times he has answered my prayers - prayers for healing from sin that were consuming me on a daily basis. Prayers that he would bring people into my life in order to help me grow. People I can relate with on a deep level.
The times I randomly felt the need to reach out to someone, only to find out it was at just the right time with the right words spoken.
The times people have reached out to me in my lowest, darkest moments and have offered words of encouragement.
The times he has blessed my life with situations in order for me to grow in strength and courage.
None of these situations were by chance! How do I know this to be true?
Acts 17:24-28 says,
"The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. For in him we live and move and have our being. As some of your own poets have said, 'We are his offspring.'"
God makes himself known to everyone. It may be through a situation, a new opportunity, someone you meet, or even a hardship. Yes, even through the tough times in our lives will God use to reveal himself! He uses whatever he can to show us that he is alive and active. Why? Because he wants a relationship with us! He wants us to know that even though we must endure pain and struggles on earth, we can still have peace. We can still overcome. And we can have a true, loyal friend who wants to share the load of our burdens. He never wants us to suffer alone. That's what relationships are all about - being there for one another and offering words of wisdom and comfort. But we can't learn peace unless we work diligently to keep the relationship growing through communication and openness. We must make a daily choice to constantly seek God through prayer and studying the bible because that is when he learns about us and we learn about him.
Maybe it's been a while since you have felt God's existence in your life. I believe we all go through this at one point, especially when we are forced to endure hardships. When you become doubtful, take some time to reflect on your relationship with God. How has he been active in your life? What are the miracles he has made evident to you? Remember all of the events that led to your spiritual growth, both good and bad. How did God show his love, protection, and comfort to you? And how has it helped strengthen your relationship with him?
Or perhaps you have never taken the opportunity to seek a relationship with God. I challenge you to give him a chance. Doubt may still be lingering in your heart. And it can be a very scary place to let your guard down when you are uncertain of the outcome. But doubt also robs us of peace - a peace that cannot be obtained from anything or anyone other than God himself (John 14:27). And it keeps us from experiencing all the blessings that come with having a relationship with God. If you want to experience never ending peace, then make the choice to seek him wholeheartedly. Be open and present to him your doubts, your fears, your pain. Ask him to make himself known to you. You'd be surprised to find that he is a lot closer than you realize.
Jeremiah 29:11-13
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
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